Guest Post, Red Hot Doug "Conn"

This is the best dog I have ever had. Cody, age 5. He enjoys body surfing (really) in 3-4 foot seas and power naps. His best friend is our cat Easley and he hates the UPS guy almost as much as the fedex dude. I don't like those fruity shorts they wear all winter either. He also enjoys Costco Rawhides, watching anyone pee and peeing on anything green.. His fav drink (besides water) is Mannys unfiltered Pale Ale. I can't find it in bottles (only tap) so if anyone knows where to get it in stores let me know. Absolute Poker "Grinder" hat if you can direct me to a store in WA STATE near Seattle. (google it, easy hat deal). As always sharkmaster pays da postage too. Did you get your care package Roanan, Carl and Pokerbrokers?? I loaded ya up. Dam Canadians, twice the postage and hes only 2 hrs from my work. Let play red rock soon roanan. You can stake me so you will have a chance to add to your dwindling BR. haha!

One of my best buds world class sleight of hand artist and shark charter member Doug Conns guest post below after a quick shark update (great read, he is final tabling daily and punishing the pokers):

I'm back kids! My poker was sidetracked recently by personal problems (i'm not gonna give details.....uh...ahhh...hmmm. cause its personal. In the interest of not being too serious (or a downer) lets just say yer old buddee sharkmasta is livin in a $30 motel (free WIRELess!) and not taking his normal afternoon nappy with main man and body surfing legend Cody (lab age 5).

I never forgave the warden for fixing him without asking me. Sure, he ruined 3 nice pillows and tried to mount our 13 year old but I wanna be involved in decisions relating to MY DOGS private area, nether regions, manly parts, gonads, jonson, shlonger, man hammer, diamond cutter, etc. I don't care if hes so hornee baybee that the cat won't scratch it, I need to be consulted. He was 1 year old fer fucks sake. Never had the sexy time. He had his eye on next door neighbors beagle and I was gonna let him loose when they went away for weekend "sure, sure, i'll get yer paper this weekend" !! At least let him go to work on sum mutt one time. Let him have a great memory and buy more pillows. Dammit. Pillows are cheap. Get a goddamn crayon, draw a fukkin picture of a beagle on one, put said pillow and doggie in garage, let him jerk his smokewagon and go to work....(tombstone, great flick). Sorry, I miss my boy and it helps to write about him.

My new job is good and I will be ruining many retirements (j/k) in my new position of internet sales manager in a nice small town (Cadillac, GMC dealer, we have 3 lots I can sell iron out of). Call if you would like a great deal on a new or used car or truck. 425.879.7169 is my direct line. I ship to Alaska, Hawaii, East Coast, whatever. My prices are rarely beat and shipping is fairly inexpensive for us since we move cars all over the USA. I can buy your trade un -seen also. We'll do it with pics and a local safety check. Our dealer is very "customer friendly" and we don't play the "big city" games. After years in the big city I really like this gig.

I recently decided that I was not doing a good job for my loyal Shark members. I was tired of all the errors that our sites make setting up events (I made a few also) and after 300 tourneys needed a break. Of course, the new legislation (punish poker professionals and players since we are not receiving tax money from the offshore sites) made this business much harder to make work. I didnt quit playing but many did.

No Taxes? I pay mine? Many other poker pros (affiliates/players) do. I respect our country, taxes that pay for our great roads, bridges and tribal liquor stores and killer cigar rooms. ha!

Things will change. These new state and federal laws will be dumped or they will figure out how to collect taxes on every buck. Fine do it. Give our troops better body armor! Im down with that. One of me best buds is a Lt Col. A proud 27 year vet marine that has fought for me and my country. I love our soldiers and we need to finish the job and get them back so they can play more pokers and have rough sexy tyme with their wardens.

Can I have an amen! amen bruddha....


Doug "Conned" "Connjure" Conn is on another tear. I asked him to write this BRAG post so its not really a brag if I requested it. He knows all the best poker sites and has recently been hired as my NEW Tour GM and Tourney Director. He is going to give our TOUR fresh blood and give you players what you want. More events, more adds, and sum sweet Satellite seats will be won soon.

www.sharkpokertour.com is back up and will have events posted by next week. www.onlineshark.com is being refreshed and knarly freerolls and seats will be WON by my weak/passive donkelicious viewers this summer.

New sites will be tried, Doug will be negotiating for great deals for you....my loyal Shartk player.

He's excited and getting paid well to get us rockin'. Support Doug by posting a "congrats" in his "conned" thread in the shark forum now. We need posts. Complain, ask questions of me or Doug, tell a story or post 30 wrasslin vids like Born. I don't care. Help us by being an active member. Don't just play our freerolls and run. We are a team. I love you all deeply. You 20,000 complete me. I will hug all of you, and kiss the sweaty men....ok. off to work, heres New Orleans bad a$$ Dougie post;

Wisdom, Bragging and a Few Suggestions on PWNing!

A teacher of mine once said:
"Your greatest accomplishments will be in 'leaps and bounds' ...
after taking the right baby steps."

I've considered myself an 'artist' for the better part of 30 years (I've pursued the art of "Sleight of Hand" magic since childhood.) I've found my growth as an entertainer, creator and student have occurred in "leaps and bounds." Connect the dots & things start to click. Read the right books, practice/perform every chance you get, etc etc... When pursued intelligently, diligently and patiently (the "ly" trifecta) your growth spurts... spurt. IMO: Poker is much the same: Study, Study, Study, Play, Play, Play, Win, Win, Win.

Anyway, I'm not here to wax poetic... I'm here to.brag ;) I had some nice "leaps and bounds" this week. The last three days, I've enjoyed playing some of the best poker of my life... Heck, actually, I'm pretty proud of the last 3 months! (months, of course.... that were built upon the last three years.)

Check out my latest / 120 day stats from www.officialpokerrankings.com (a GREAT site) Pic/Link below

Note: click on the pic for a full size shot... 330% ROI! 23% ITM Almost 3k profit (not bad for a low limit / semi-grinder) In the last few months, I've had over a dozen final tables, a few 3rds, a few 2nds and a few WINS!

BTW: there are several online sites that will give you stats like the stuff above. Bluff Magazine now hosts the PokerDB (in its new/advanced form) http://www.bluffmagazine.com/thepokerdb/index.asp If you're a SNG player, you'll wanna look @ www.sharkscope.com

I HIGHLY recommend using these sites... Not just to track your results, but also the results of your opponents. Next time you make a final table, or simply find yourself curious about an opponent, log onto one of the info sites and check out their stats. Within a minute or two, you can know exactly the caliber of competition @ your table. Of course, Pokertracker is another great piece of software that will give you that extra edge.

FYI: As usual, I document my accomplishments on the Shark Forums: www.sharkpokertour.com/PHPbb2/ Check the 'sweat and success' forums for my (hopefully daily) updates. BTW: I look forward to seeing more "Online Sharks" posting some sweat and success. There's plenty of juicy games to jump into... go get em and post your victories! And/or let us know when/where to apply the shark sweat

Take note: The Omaha games continue to be my gravy (as well as my favorite games to play.) I find the game MUCH more 'stimulating' than Holdem:& my tourney results reflect that (note to self: try a lil harder when playin Holdem!) If you're finding the No-Limit grind to be just that "grinding" I suggest taking a look at Omaha.

FYI: My "Omahalic" article (a 12 step primer on the game) can also be found on the Shark Forums: http://www.sharkpokertour.com/PHPbb2/viewtopic.php?t=2474

Well, thats nuff typing... My 3^rd tourney just opened (4k guar $20 PLO) and I'm sucking azz in the other two ($20 deepstack PLO8/b and the 25K $5 rebuy) Time to go focus, and make some leaps & bounds.

GL on the felt, Conn.

Do you wanna receive a FREE Shark hat, shirt or shark home brew everclear? Write me a funny or strong guest post. Doug has so much shark gear hes a walkin billboard and chicks dig shark gear (not actually true). I love him longtyme GI. If I like your post (it won't take much) you get swag (shark swaggage, gear, stuff, items, units)

Cooler du Jour. Down 4 hundy so far tonight, again. Heres my favorite hand. No tiltin, just massive coolios. It will turn.

We got it all in on the turn. This is about as lucky as you can get holdin AA.

My stats are showng massive newbies/bad players at Full Tilt. Deposit and punish them now! Same report outa Absolute.

Rollercoaster Ride at Full Tilt

I was due for a bad session after 6 or seven winners in a row and then jinxed myself by mentioning to the warden I had not had a losing session in a while. I got home from work about 7PM and took 6 seats in the 100nl buyin at 8pm. 13.5 hours later the roughest poker session ever was over. Check out this one outer in the thumbnail above. We got all the cashish in on the turn. I saw a few 2 outers hit as well, but 1 outers always get mention in me blog.

I'm not complainin' bout the beats. I was due for this since the cards were good all week. I was down $500/5 buyins about 6 hours in and staring at a large hit to my bankroll. I dug in and posted a sweet $94 win after 4788 hands which will also pay me $104 buckers in rakeback, a $198 win! Not a good hourly rate but i'll take it.

As always I played a few hands too aggressively. Note to self: When you have notes that bad guys "call all bets" don't bluff nimrod. But something different occurred in this session. Usually I enjoy all the "shorties". These guys buy in for 20 or 30 bucks and just push n pray. The idea is, they can't get outplayed post flop. Push it in early and hope for the best. I have always done well against these "non-players" and enjoy when they sit down to play that "allin game". Do you have NO skilz? Sit down with me sum night, wait for AK, AQ or a pair and push pre. I will welcome you sir/miss since you are weak, talentless, scared of playing a flop or maximizing your big pairs. You win 30 bucks when KK arrives, a real player makes 5 times that often.

I couldn't beat them this session. I was usually ahead after their daring push but it didnt matter. Ahead? Behind? Coin flippage? IT DIDN"T fukkin matter. I was a shortie ATM for 8 hours. I got a lil tilty between 4 and 6am but after 3000 hands I get grumpy even if i'm winnin. 6 tablin for that long is really tough. My 47 yr old back hurts and starts crampin' up so I spray biofreeze on it and start icing it. I could quit but i'm stuck 5 hundo. Party on Garth.

Intermission from rant:


So i'm getting pummeled by no skilz shorties and my lab decides to lay at my feet and fart for a few hours. Good times. I finally went to bed at about 10am slept, 5 hours (sounds like my vegas sleep schedule), wrote this rant and now i'm takin the missus out for the vn Keg appertizers. I recommend the sliders. They make these lil burgets out of ground prime rib. oh boy.

I'm proud of my 14 hr session where I got my ass kicked for 10 hours. The last 4 hours I made about $600. The old Sharky couldn't have done that. I kept a good attitude, changed seats many times and dug out a win. Most of the players are bad. Some nights, good things happen to bad players. Hang in there, think about how you have made a huge comeback before, jerk that smoke wagon and go to work mister (or missy, as always I am politically correct).

I'm going to 8 table about 3K hands tonight and will torture the shorties from the outset. Report to follow.

A shout out to 2 of me best buds, Bornsupreme (Matt) and Conn (Doug). Lets meet up in Vegas soon boys.

See you soon, my donkelicious readers.....

Sharkeeeeeee

Poker Action and a lil Roadhead

Hi Ladies and Gents

I'm married so you will have to settle for a poker post. Sorry for the teaser. Finally watched Borat this week. good stuff, The nude men wrestling scene followed up 3 days later by Borat running into his buddy and saying "you bastard, my mustache still smells like your testes" was comic genius. I lol'ed.

Are you like me and get tired of many blogs starting out "Sorry I haven't posted in so long" I 1) have nothing to report 2) have lost so much money playing the pokers I can't write about it cause I don't wanna cry.....again. 3) I'm a world traveler and I rarely can find a PC 4) my doggie peed on me laptop, etc. etc.

I don't think I have ever said sorry for lack of posting. I'm not. No one seems disappointed if I post at all so the feeling is mutual. ha!

I gave up on my new career in mortgage sales 3 weeks ago. I was at a good firm and was doing okay, but I realized I was going to make very little monies for the first 4-6 months. I was told that by several people, but of course, said I would be the exception. Apparently i'm not that exceptional since i'm back in the car biz. With the internet poker business currently floundering I need to work full time now to pay the mortgage and keep the warden from killing me whilst I sleep.

Oh well, its what I know and it pays the bills. I'm the Internet Sales Mgr for a small Caddy/GMC dealer for the last 3 weeks. Nice dealership and friendly staff. Call me if you need a nice used vehicle (we have 3 lots) or a new Cadillac or GMC. I can offer my friends/readers, clergy, parole officer and retarded neighbor boy special internet deals. Shipping to other states is not that expensive and sometimes I can pay shipping or I will meet you in Vegas for the noon tourney at Caesars and you can take delivery there. Email me at onlineshark@msn.com if you have car questions or need help on a purchase or would like a list of my inventory. 17 years in iron sales here so I can help with anything car related.

Okay, I got 2 margaritas down me so I better get to the poker. After settling in at the new jobke I finally got back to a little poker about a week ago. Full Tilt has apparently located a fresh new batch of donkelicious NL100 and NL 200 playas. Yes baybeee. I started the week datamining with Pokertracker at both levels and 3 hours later I take a gander at my new friends stats. Holy Shit. NL200 is full of 55% see, 5% pre raise, no stealin, 1.4 aggress factor MIN bettin, MIN raisin, pussies. NL100 has many more grinders with great stats but still plenty of non-skilled monkees.

Now that i'm earning an honest living selling cars my BR will not be going towards bills (thats what I told lil raisin anyhoo). This is good. I started with $220 a week ago and we are now sitting on $1240, 7 days later. A good start since I have only played 3455 hands in 5 sessions. Last night was my best night of the week. Made $360 in only 342 hands playing mostly NL200. I great nite especially after making a horrible push early in the session.

One of my tables is 6 max nl200 blinds 1/2 and this hand arrives. I'm in MP with 87clubs, a very aggressive table with 3 bad players that will raise everything and call anything. VN. Its raised pre, I just call the 10 bucks and BB calls. Floppage came 10 8 8, early position bets 30, I bought in short for 100 and decide to push my last 80 (oops) BB does a long drama pause and pushes 150 and then early position insta-pushes (easily worst player on the site, "Aesop Fable" if ya wanna buddy list him). BB is a concern and when they flipped them up I was a distant second to 10 10. yikers. Aesop is in third place with KK but has 1 more out than yer ole buddee sharkee. I need the case-eight-ball and Mister "I don't have a fuckin' clue" needs a 2 outer and BB flopped boat is countin the 280 pot until the sweeeet K comes on the turn.

Not really a horrible result since this guy ain't goin home with any monies. He disperses it in short order and all is well at our table. Horrible push by me although it mighta all got in anyhoo. Good time to have a small stack. Heres what I like about this hand. I played it shitty, it was early in the session and it didnt bother me. I know I can kill this limit so I buckled down and played harder. I made several vn bluffs, caught a few cards and quickly was back up and rollin.

My stats this week. +1020 plus rakeback (about $80) see % 22.75, pre raise % 12.88 (trying to get to 15-16) att to steal 26% (want 30-32) and i'm very happy with my aggression. flop 3.43 turn 3.96 riv 3.00 total 3.52. Solid there I think. BB/100 hands profit 9.75.

I'll try to get more hands in this week and will play NL200 only when the BR gets to 2000. Thats only 10 buyins but I really think the play is weaker although it is more aggressive. I like playing aggro players, especially when I have a ton of stats on them, which I usually do.

A couple of keys to this game:

Stay outa dicey situations. If a good player (or a player with weak/passive aggression stats) represents a monster don't fall in love with top pr top kick or even 2 pr. Especially when you are multi-tablin. You will have better spots very soon. If you think its a coin flip or you are behind fold. Stats can identify clueless players. I like top pr against them usually. You often will have them outkicked.

Value bet the riv like a mofo. I missed a few last night but made some great riv bets also.

If you are playing poker for money online and don't have pokertracker you are nuts. Check out our forum for more on this great software.

Print out all your starting hands in PT. KJo, A10o, A9 have been getting me in trouble lately so I have been mucking them outa position. I'm gonna either play them strong in position or dump'em.

I don't like to risk even a smallish stack allin with AKo or AKs (in most cases, uber shorties are often the exception). Its usually a flip against a good pair. Pass. Sure some tilt monkeys will have AJ or AQ but i'll get their cashish later without flippin coins.

Play as many tables as you can. Work on adding tables. I don't know how many times a 1 table heater has made up for the other 4 tables that are struggling. Last night 280 of my 360 profit was on 1 table.

Table Selection! If you don't know what to look for post in our forum. We have a PT thread already started. There are great players at these lower limits. Many are paying bills with the winnings so are not able to move up (this sounds eerily familiar). There are many more mediocre or horrible players. Sit with them. If new players come to your table make a decision to stay or go based on who sits. Don't fall in love with a chair. A tough player to your left really sucks. Sure, its fun to challenge him and maybe you can beat him/her. Don't do it. It's about building your roll. Get donkey boy to your left, right and center. Soon you will have their lunch monies.

Thanks for reading! Kick assholios at the tables this week........

Shark